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We’ve
got good news and bad news. The good news
is that by living in the 21st century, you
have a lot more options than if you were born
in, say, the Dark Ages. If you were an average
dude back then, your only relief from boredom
was hooking up with your fat, retarded sister,
and occasionally running for your life from
a band of bloodthirsty Cossacks.
Yeah,
that could’ve been you, catching a hoof
in the ‘nads. But today, thanks to advances
in technology, the whole world is at your
fingertips. Who needs Big Sissy when you can
learn the birds and the bees from a Paris
Hilton video, then find hundreds of willing
hotties waiting for you on Facebook?
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Ow.
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A
Definite Improvement
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The
same thing goes for all other forms of information
and entertainment. Take music: In the Bad
Old Days, your ancestors were forced to listen
to the kid in the mud hut next door pluck
on the guts of a goat. But you, lucky fella,
can just pop in your ear buds and rock out
to whatever kind of sounds you want. And you
can simultaneously check out a webcam on a
topless beach in Brazil, play WOW with a team
of over-caffeinated Koreans, and plagiarize
a first-rate research paper - all while sitting
on your bed and scratching your nuts. You
know what that’s called, you ungrateful
little bastard?
FREEDOM!FREEDO |
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Now for the bad news about freedom: THERE’S
TOO EFFIN’ MUCH OF IT!! Even if you
haven’t been to school or work in years
and you have an unlimited free supply of Red
Bull and Pringles, there’s no way you
can even scratch the surface of all the entertainment
and information that’s available. Hell,
just while you’ve been reading this,
ten thousand new web pages have gone up, hundreds
of books, magazines, and DVDs have been released,
and Britney Spears has gotten married and
divorced – twice! Of course most of
that crap is completely useless, but some
of it isn’t. So you spend more and more
time at your computer, desperately trying
to make sure you don’t miss the next
great band, or video, or close-up of Britney’s
beave. |
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I
feel like I forgot something
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Let’s
face it, all those hours hunched over the keyboard
aren’t doing much for your muscle tone,
or those zits on your ass. So even if you do
stumble across a great new hookup site and you
use it to find the girl of your dreams, chances
are you’re going to have trouble closing
the deal. That means more hours in the dark
fiddling with your mouse, and more ass zits.
At this rate, it won’t be long before
you start having nasty thoughts about your fat,
retarded sister. Unless… |
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Unless
you start Thinking with Your Dick. Your Dick
is your trusty guide to the best of the virtual
world AND the real one. Your Dick stays up
24/7, not (just) because he took too much
Viagra, but because he’s crazy-busy
scouring the universe for anything that’s
worth a shit. And the sad truth is, there
ain’t much. Most of what Your Dick has
to dig through in any given day is as big
a waste as listening to that medieval dude
strummin’ on his goat guts, or watching
all the lame videos on the front page of most
other websites. Your Dick’s core philosophy
can best be summed up as follows:
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Hope
he brushed his teeth
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MOST
STUFF SUCKS.
If
you spend five hours a day staring
at a screen, odds are you’re
pissing away at least four of ‘em.
But if you let Your Dick do the tedious
work of separating the wheat from
the shaft (that’s called a play
on words, dipshit), you can get all
that time back. And Your Dick will
even tell you how to spend it!
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By
now you get the idea, or else you’re
pretty friggin’ hopeless. So we’ll
quit yapping, and you go check out Dick’s
Picks. But try to remember one thing
from our little talk, okay?
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